Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
