i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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