I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
