Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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