my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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