We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
we have pet lesbian snakes
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
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