About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
