i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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