I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
