she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
