We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
