ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize