I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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