okay pat passed out under dana's car
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I fill condoms, not promises.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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