Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
