____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
