If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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