Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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