Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You took a bar mat shot.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
