If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
