Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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