I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
