I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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