You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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