did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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