Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
