New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Even my vagina gasped.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
