i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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