I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
So much Jack, so little girl.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize