somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
