I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize