i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Randomize
