For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
