In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
