What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
