she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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