we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
