We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
