I faked an abortion last night.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
