How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
