my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
