Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
