Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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