we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
