Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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