But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
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