ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
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