I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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