You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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