your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
