I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm passing your future prison.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Randomize
