mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
