im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
