it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
