dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
