Having a random hookup so left but love u
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
